So shall it be known
Any who enter into the house of Simon
Must knowest in his heart he may be shorn
From atop his head unto his toes
His hair shall not enter into a pact with dust
The evil demon dust of bunny
Shall not enter unto the house of Simon
He shall be sent unto the dark tank of Dyson
His soul shall be wrent through the filter of HEPA
And yay any man, woman or child must surely know
If he holds within his hands an object
And he says I do not know the place for this object
He shall not place this object in this place or that
Thinking that at some time his intellect will
Shine a light as to where this object may find safe and permanent harbor.
Be it known that if he does place this object here or there
And should he not find for it safe and permanent harbor
But instead places it with his hands in any spot
And says this, this I shall think upon at another time,
Surely that person shall receive such a smite upon his head
With the precise sole of shoe as to make his ears hear a ring.
And verily unto the associates and brothers and sisters of Simon
Should an occasion of the anniversary of the birth of a Simon or
Should a time come when a Simon weighs upon your head and your heart,
Think not to yourself I should make purchase of this or that item of kitsch.
Think not to yourself this nick of knack nor this humorous bric-a-brac
Will surely place a smile upon the lips of a Simon and a song in the Simon heart.
This item, this hecho in Mexico, this made in China, this item of petroleum,
Should it enter into the house of Simon, it shall surely be cast into the pit of refuse,
It shall be placed as far from the house of Simon as the east is from another direction.
And you shall have in your heart the knowledge of a poisonous seep in the earth.
Give instead your talent and wit.
Your intelligence and banter.
The House of Simon is your hairless home