Friday, September 10, 2010

Simonic Law

So shall it be known

Any who enter into the house of Simon
Must knowest in his heart he may be shorn
From atop his head unto his toes
His hair shall not enter into a pact with dust

The evil demon dust of bunny
Shall not enter unto the house of Simon
He shall be sent unto the dark tank of Dyson
His soul shall be wrent through the filter of HEPA

And yay any man, woman or child must surely know
If he holds within his hands an object
And he says I do not know the place for this object
He shall not place this object in this place or that
Thinking that at some time his intellect will
Shine a light as to where this object may find safe and permanent harbor.

Be it known that if he does place this object here or there
And should he not find for it safe and permanent harbor
But instead places it with his hands in any spot
And says this, this I shall think upon at another time,
Surely that person shall receive such a smite upon his head
With the precise sole of shoe as to make his ears hear a ring.

And verily unto the associates and brothers and sisters of Simon
Should an occasion of the anniversary of the birth of a Simon or
Should a time come when a Simon weighs upon your head and your heart,
Think not to yourself I should make purchase of this or that item of kitsch.
Think not to yourself this nick of knack nor this humorous bric-a-brac
Will surely place a smile upon the lips of a Simon and a song in the Simon heart.

This item, this hecho in Mexico, this made in China, this item of petroleum,
Should it enter into the house of Simon, it shall surely be cast into the pit of refuse,
It shall be placed as far from the house of Simon as the east is from another direction.
And you shall have in your heart the knowledge of a poisonous seep in the earth.

Give instead your talent and wit.
Your intelligence and banter.
The House of Simon is your hairless home
Your refuge

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ladies! You Know How We Are!

My friend and I are constantly triple dog daring each other to start some sort of stereotypical inspirational program. I think you know the type. The wife usually has little to say and knows to direct her comments to the other wives, "Ladies. You know how we are...". Then she trots off to the back and sells the dvd's and books and workbooks while her husband employs some horrible gimmick to speak to the whole audience. He's qualified to speak both to men and women because well... he's a man. DUH!

I've been watching my gender mates lately, and I've gotten plenty put out. I'm up to my plucked eyebrows in it. Slap a "real cute" bag with it and top it off with some scented allure, and you're still dealing in straight bullshit. It's time we stopped. The glass ceiling isn't going to go away on its own, and up until now, a handful of women having been the ones bearing the brunt while the rest stand by and criticize her shoes. The glass ceiling doesn't just exist in corporate world. It's in social networking sites, the store, and in your neighborhood. It's what people think of you when your gender is shown... usually the first thing noticed.

I'm not talking about the Summer's Eve ad of fame lately that tells you to freshen your naughty bits before you ask for a raise. I'm also not talking about Jan Brewer's recently school girl giggle fest on TV that made her look like a dumb fake blonde stereotype (of course that probably improved her image). I'm talking about you and me.

I know someone who was explaining the gender differences. She (yes, she) said that a woman needs to be made to feel like she is worth being rescued. WHAT??? There is so much wrong in that sentence that it's hard to dissect. I'll give it a go. First, she needs to be MADE to feel something. Then she needs to be RESCUED. And finally, she needs this to come from someone besides herself... a man.

I've been watching a handful of threads on Facebook that have blown my nearly 40 year old mind. These are the equivalent of high school girls loud talking in a cafeteria with the hopes of being overheard. Excellent work, ladies.

I have some thoughts on how we can manage this glass ceiling problem:

1. If you're with someone you can't respect, there's one person to look to... that's you. But it's just so hard. Yep, it is. I know from experience how hard. I also know that it can happen to anyone. Look back for that tiny spark containing the will to survive and push on.
2. You don't deserve it. That's right, you DON'T deserve it. Next time you blow a bunch of money on a mani/pedi, some cute shoes, or a new hair do, don't lie to yourself. Get it because you want it and because you're going to anyway. People deserve to eat. People deserve to be treated humanely. People don't deserve luxuries. Be honest.
3. You don't have to put yourself first. Think of the last 10 places you've heard this. You're going to realize it's the television or someone quoting the television. The greatest humans to ever walk the planet knew this.
4. There's nothing more powerful than a healthy you. The healthy you doesn't come easy. It's hard. Oh gawd, it's hard. You have to look down the darkest tunnel in the deepest secret filthy place in your soul and call that shit out to the top. You have to name what is ugly and mean and spiteful in you, and you have to put it out there and stare at it. And after you clean your house, you have to realize you're going to have to do it over and over again. When you're wrong. Stand up. Say you're wrong.
5. When you are in competition with a man for a job or even respect of opinion, you need to be better informed, more articulate, and as knowledgeable about his opinion than he is. That's right; it isn't fair.
6. Stand by each other. If you someone floundering, offer help. Don't think you can't end up in the exact same position. Have the decency to speak directly to each other if something is amiss. Grow up.

Or... you can... as the Disney song says wait because someday your prince will come.
You'll get exactly what you deserve.

What's the saying?
Don't be a pussy.

Since I'm surrounding be women with big brains, I'm kind of hoping to see more rules added as comments.